When Two Became One

19years old and working hard as a waitress,was enjoying life with my new boyfriend who was also 19. We had got together in August 2011. I was on the pill have been since I was 14 years old. Mat told me he first loved me on the 11th November 2011 at my friends engagement party, at this point I was already pregnant but didn’t know.

Mat and I had only been together for 2 months when we fell pregnant. At first he didn’t want a child, he wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t do it, this growing baby was ours. My 12 week scan was on the 12th January 2012 at 11am my name was called, I slowly walked along the corridor to have my first ultra-scan. My sister I law came with me. I laid on the blue bed and had the cold jelly put on my belly….there they were! TWO BABIES. How? How could it be that I had two babies in my belly, not just two babies but they are identical! Not only did Mat not want one how could I tell him we was having Two!  So many emotions, I couldn’t of been more happier though. Mat didn’t believe me once I had phoned him, as soon as he saw our two babies on the scan picture his face was priceless….we better start saving I guess!

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There I was 19 and pregnant with identical twins. I started looking around for a double pram, double cot etc. I was in my element! We weren’t told about TTTS, not until my 17 week scan on the 13th February 2012.  Mat was working so my friend Rachel come with me. Once again I was back on that blue bed, this time it wasn’t so happy. ‘ Twin B has no visible bladder and seems to be shrink wrapped to your womb’  HUH!? I didn’t understand anything she had told me.

Confused and worried we got told to sit in a little room and wait for another lady to come see me. At this point I was on the phone to Mat telling him I had been diagnosed with twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Rachel was on google looking it up so I could explain it to Mat, even though I still had no idea. So much was happening at the same time. After about a 10 minute wait another Lady come in and asked if I could get to London Kings College Hospital tomorrow. It’s a hospital a few hours away from me, but we had to do this to try and save our babies.

I had an appointment booked in for 11am in London.  Mat and I got the train first thing in the morning. It was our first Valentines day and we were spending it in hospital not knowing what would happen to our babies! How could this happen!?

14th February 2012 we found out we were having TWO GIRLS! We were both over the moon! 🙂 two little mini me’s 🙂 I couldn’t wait. But my excitement didn’t last long, we got told we had a severe case TTTS and laser needed to be done as soon as possible. So there I was again on another blue bed… How many more blue beds did I need to lay on!!?

Mat held my hand whilst I had the laser in side my belly, we could see our babies on the screen! There they were, OUR babies!! Miracle. After the surgery we went and waited half an hour to have another scan done, in that room we stood in the darkness looking over London. Mat held me in his arms whilst I cried and cried. I had no idea what was going to happen to our babies. It was out of my control. I just prayed and prayed they would both survive. BACK ON THE BLUE BED…..two heartbeats! 🙂 the laser was successful! Overjoyed.

Time to choose two girls names, I had always liked Heidi from the day I knew I was pregnant (if it was a girl) so we called Twin A Heidi… On our scans Twin B had always been very little and laid back so we named her after my nan who had passed away a few years back, but I always called her ‘little nan’ so we called Twin B Alice. Such perfect names for such perfect little miracles.

Two weeks had passed, back to the hospital we went on the 27th February 2012 for my 19 week scan, had both babies survived the laser surgery 2 weeks after? ‘Twin B has no heartbeat’

I couldn’t cry I couldn’t think I couldn’t do anything, she carried on with the scan and explained that everything was fine with Twin A and that I would have to carry both babies until I give birth. I rushed to the woman’s toilets after the scan and told Mat to wait for my notes. There I was sitting on the toilet crying and crying and crying! Why!!!  Why had this happened! I didn’t do anything wrong. Why did my baby get taken away! I couldn’t move. I couldn’t function properly. I don’t know how long I was in the toilet for but there was Mat standing there waiting for me with his arms wide open. I had to text everybody. How could I text people and say one of my babies had died!

I don’t know how I managed to cope until I was 36 weeks when my waters broke whilst Mat and I were asleep in bed. I didn’t want to give birth. I wanted both my babies to stay inside me were they belonged together. On the 28th June 2012 at 5.32am I pushed Heidi into the world weighing 5lbs 4oz she wasn’t breathing, so they had to help her. At 5.38am I pushed Alice into the world weighing just 40grams! So teeny! 😦  She got taken away straight away I didn’t want to see her at that point but my mum followed and got to see her 🙂 She was very tiny and squashed but you could see her face and she had her hands up by her head 🙂 That’s how I will remember her.
Heidi was taken to special care were she spent 5 days because she was tube fed and jaundice.

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I felt like an awful mum. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to hold her. She wasn’t mine! My baby was gone…she was in the morgue! I resented Heidi. I could of gone home without her, but my mum and Mat pushed me to go and see her. Being in the hospital at night on my own crying in bed when I see an incubator go past, TWINS!!! Why!? I couldn’t do anything. Why did they get their twins but I didn’t get mine! 5 long day had passed and we got to go home to our 1 bedroom flat, to see 1 Moses basket, 1 cot…. 1 of everything!! I didn’t want to carry on with life.

The day had arrived 19th July 2012 the girls were 3 weeks old but there I was holding one baby and watching one being lowered into the ground in a tiny shoe box size coffin! How could this be. I was now 20 years old burying one of my twins. I didn’t want to leave her grave. ‘Your not leaving her,your just moving away from this spot’ my sister in law whispered in my ear as I stood there with Heidi in my arms on a beautiful sunny day looking down at my baby in the ground. I managed to leave. Heartbroken.

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In two weeks I will be 21 years old with an 8 month old baby on earth and an 8 month old baby in heaven. We now live as a family Mat, Heidi and I in a 3 bedroom house. Things have been very very hard for Mat and I, but we have stuck by each other through everything. He’s very glad now I didn’t abort the baby (babies). He’s such an amazing dad, I fall in love with him more each day as I sit and watch him playing with our daughter.

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What’s so perfect is that not only am I a twin mummy but I also have my very own guardian angel who I will meet again one day 🙂

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